John Oliver’s Last Week Tonight began showing Catheter Cowboy commercials this week to educate Donald Trump about affairs. This article originally ran in Smashpipe on Jan. 15, 2016.
By Tony Sokol
The GOP debate was running like a buzzsaw through my brains the other night as my family watched over my head while I was chasing a deadline. For the most part I was able to ignore the inanities of the inmates who want to run the asylum but my irreverie was disturbed by the topic of New York Values. What the fuck is wrong with New York values? Do people in the middle of the country really think our values are any different from theirs? This from the heartland of honey boo boo and confederate flags? We have to sit and take this shit?
Who the fuck do these people think they are with their god and country bullshit, saying that New Yorkers are any more obsessed with media and money than they are? And what is that supposed to mean anyway? We watch more TV? We blackjack out-of-towners for their pocket cash? Good. That we’re rude? Fuck them and all the horses they still ride on. Do they believe we leave our kids by the side of the road while we buy nickel bags from their classmates? Do they think there are no churches in New York? What the fuck do they think St. Patrick’s is, just a place to end a drunken parade? I don’t even Christ even existed and this bugs the shit out of me.
I’m fed up with these assholes thinking their butt plugs don’t need washing. Look at Ben Carson, who, when he’s awake, adheres to the beliefs of the Seventh Day Adventists who think the eight day should never have come. Yeah, they are all pissed off that the world didn’t end a hundred years ago when mankind reached some kind of perfection. Are those the values we’re supposed to embrace? That’s some sick shit right there.
I actually had a shared moment with Donald Trump, in spite of my best intentions. I’ve blasted Fuckface von Clownstick – an endearment coined by Jon Stewart on The Daily Show – many, many times on these pages, but I stood up there with him when the Canadian teabagger Tom, I mean Ted Cruz, threw down that shit. I hate Cruz even more for that.
And let’s look at his New Yorker cash fetish charges. Is he talking about Wall Street, the guys who are paying for his campaign so he can protect their interests when he’s sitting in the ovular office? No. He’s pissed at the New York Times for printing a story about some bullshit loan scam he was trying to cover up. Fucking New York Times, run by a bunch of fucking New Yorkers with New York values like telling it like it is.
And when did the idea that liberal values are any less valuable than conservative values, which are mainly made up at the whims of vested corporate interests. Conservatives vote with their wallets. Liberals vote with their hearts. At least that’s the sin that they’re always trying to shove down our gullets. If New Yorkers were so obsessed with making money why do most of the regulations to stop up that spigot come from money-managing Manhattanites?
Now, none of this is going to make me vote for Trump but I hope he kicks the shit out of Cruz and I’m not talking about just the polls. Oh and even Christy Chris Christianson the Jersey governor who was apparently tainted by the Hudson got pulled into the whole New York Values thing and I almost wanted to kind of forgive him for his union busting for a second and I really hated Cruz for that.
Go vote for more guns so you can solve the problem of too many guns while you call New Yorkers, whose values including making it really hard to get guns legally, valueless spiritual voids.