By Tony Sokol
Vampires beware! Donald Trump and Vlad the Im-Putin are out to drain your blood.
The alt culture comes in many varieties and, in a world glued to fake news, alternative sources offer truths that pundits choose not to abuse. But we flogged a member of the alt vampire community in an effort to endarken us on a Donald Trump rumor floating in subspace. While our fanged friend held out against our cat n nine tail interrogations, he spilled copious blood oaths when we spared the rod.
“Donald Trump’s secret gay vampire obsession turned bad,” our anonymous fiend wheezed. “He wanted so badly to be immortal but not even with all of his wealth could the secret to enteral life be attained. The reality of his own limitations, despite his wealth and status turned him bitter; he became angry, vengeful. Over time the inward facing hate and aggression turned to those he once aspired to be; he wants to destroy all vampires.”
Our plasma-deprived informer revealed that Vladimir Putin, in a plot to overtake the United States government, pledged Trump access to top secret, classified Russian research that began around the time of Lenin’s communist revolution.
“Ever wonder how Lenin’s body has remained perfectly preserved for 93 years?” the nameless Nosferatu gagged. “A well-guarded secret of the state. He’s a vampire. There was a power struggle in the revolution’s ranks. Stalin wanted to overthrow Lenin’s government in a standard fare coup d’état, but it proved risky because Lenin was revered as a deity by the nation and new order.
“Stalin plotted to assassinate Lenin but after several failed attempts of poison, bullet and Caesar-style back alley butchery, he found only one solution. He had to subdue and imprison Lenin in a hyperbaric wrought iron sarcophagus lined in silver and a rare material that starved his undead body of animation. Eternity in a box.”
So what has he done for us lately? Well, in 1975 “Vadimir Putin is a Lieutenant Colonel in the KGB,” the alt variety of vampire posited. “He’s privy to special intelligence and state secrets. He wants Lenin’s supernatural powers and power over the nation for himself, he wants his immortality; he wants to be a deity.”
What we haven’t uncovered yet is: Is it Putin who has Trump fooled by thinking he’ll give him the secret for destroying the vampire race as a ruse to overthrow America, or does Trump have Putin fooled into thinking he wants to eliminate vampires instead of using Soviet era secrets to become one himself.
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