By Tony Sokol

This article first ran on Jan. 13, 2016 in Smashpipe magazine.

No fat jokes, just slim pickings from the turnpike.

New Jersey is the Garden State, but don’t tell Chris Christie that. Everything the sometime-governor and full-time pandidate knows about vegetables, he learned from The Simpsons.

Christie’s campaign knows that buzzwords like corndogs make crowds cheer and cauliflower just doesn’t do that. Pizza has pizazz. Broccoli, not so much. Americans like their junk food and no candidate is more associated with calories than Chris Christie.

Christie wants to mold young Americans in his image, probably so they’ll be a tax-burden for a shorter time. But Michelle Obama is standing in his weigh. The formerly foxy first lady is fighting the battle of the bulge. She looked out at the masses that were crowding her husband and realized that no amount of backing up was going to give her breathing room. Michelle diagnosed America with obesity and urged schools nationwide to stop classifying ketchup as a vegetable.

“The first lady has no business being involved in this,” Christie told some 11-year-old named Jacob Royal, which sounds like a Canadian whiskey, while on the campaign trail in Iowa, who wanted to order out. Jacob says since the new anti-obesity program came along, he can’t order pizza. Like you could get pizza in Iowa and don’t tell me they have it there because that’s a myth perpetuated by the witness protection people to cajole rats out of the city. There is no pizza in Iowa and all Christie can do is once again say thanks, Obama. Christie is unmoved by Michelle Obama’s Let’s Move Campaign.

“Using the government to mandate her point of view on what people should be eating every day is none of her business, it just isn’t,” Christie told Jacob distractingly while secret servers loaded a slim steaming box onto the campaign bus. “I don’t care what you’re eating for lunch every day. I really don’t. I want you to eat whatever your mother wants you to eat and your father want you to eat”

And eat and eat. Christie’s campaign must be a traveling circus of karo syrup infused goodies. All the presidential wannabes have to eat road food as they stump their way across the heartland, but Christie’s van should be underwritten by McDonald’s and Dewar’s. According to state records, while sitting in the governor’s office, Christie spent $300,000 of his government state allowance over five years on food, booze and desserts. The Republican presidential hopeless spent $76,373 at Wegmans Food Markets, $11,971 at ShopRite and $6,536 at ShopRite liquor stores.

There are a lot of things not to like about the terror of Fort Lee. I choose to dislike his relationship with unions the most. He said when he leaves office in 2017, Jersey would be overrun by unions banding together for collective bargaining for frivolous items like a living wage and a safe place to work. “The pigs will be charging down State Street,” he reportedly said somewhere you can google for yourself.

This is a guy who touts his record of finding compromise in a state where he’s on the wrong side of every popular issue like it’s a cross he has to bear. Not that that would be a bad idea, exercise-wise. He starts every other sentence with how he can’t stand the people he has to work with, the governing bodies. He hates them and everything they stand for, all their liberal values, being so close to New York City, but he’ll work with them because it’s his job and he’s gotta do it, except while he’s not doing it, like when he’s on the road. Then he goes home to shower them off, and have cops put detour signs so they can’t get home.

Christie is passively aggressive that way. He’s a bully who is always bitching about being bullied in a state that wants to do away with that kind of extortive rule. When he felt persecuted by taunts from liberal Jerseyites, Christie took it out on the national teachers union, saying they deserved a “punch in the face” for being the “single most destructive force in public education.” But he swallowed fried pride and did his job, bitching and moaning at every turn about how he’s the only elephant in the room.

Christie was forced to the bargaining table with American Federation of Teachers President Randi Weingarten. On the campaign trail, he boasted “I don’t like working with her, but I did… I don’t get to choose who the president of the AFT is.”

So Christie doesn’t care what kids eat and he doesn’t care about what they learn. He spent a third of a million bucks on booze and snacks and it all comes together, except the part that come a la carte. It wasn’t The Simpsons that shaped the Christie’s vision of our future citizens, it was Animal House.

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