This article originally ran in the Jan. 9, 2016 issue of Smashpipe.

By Tony Sokol

I recently found out, from my sixteen-year-old daughter, that Kink-shaming is a thing and it’s got nothing to do with Ray Davies. Now, personally I think kink-shaming is probably the most blatant abuse of privacy that the internet can conjure. Most people keep their fetishes pretty close to the vest, unless that’s actually the thing that turns them on. They don’t usually cop to it and go to great lengths to cover this up. It can cost people their relationships and it can cost people their jobs. Of course, politicians aren’t really people and their jobs should always be on the line, so I have no problem with that.

I am not actually as up on my fetish knowledge as I should be, but I don’t think someone should be ostracized for, say, wanting to get it on with an adult, consenting ostrich. I don’t find feet particularly attractive, but I don’t see any harm from someone getting off on pumps. Pain and humiliation piss me off too much to elicit any sexual response, but I have many friends who are into S&M and more power exchange to them.

While doing my research on kink shaming, most of which has nothing to do with what I’m going to propose, I came across a Michigan Republican politician named Jordan Haskins who was busted for “cranking,” a sexualized ritual where he likes to break into cars and jerk off in them. Normally, I wouldn’t give a shit. The guy served his time in prison, twice, which I think is unfair and inhumane. There are no cars to break into in prison. But Mr. Crank wants everyone to move out of the state of Michigan so they don’t get sucked into the “homosexual agenda.” I think this is a cover-up for his baser desires. He really wants the state’s cars abandoned so he can jerk away with glee. If anyone from Glee wants to join him.

Trevor Noah has been raking Donald Trump’s covert-overt incest-kink all over The Daily Show lately. It seems the Fuckface von Clownstick, as Noah’s predecessor Jon Stewart called Trump, can’t go out in public without pimping his daughter out or claiming he’d like to bang her. Now, this hasn’t ever been confirmed as a done deed, but it’s clear what’s going on under that wisp of hair of his. He may not act on it, but it’s obviously a secret desire.

But that’s Trevor’s pick and he’s already done the research to back it up. Trump already showed his hand when he went overboard on Hillary Clinton’s pee break. It’s not like Trump’s acting like his own shit don’t stink, but he was really, truly, upset by the whole thing. He called Hillary disgusting and just went on about it for so long, it appears that he doth protest too much. It seems to me that the guy with the liver-damaged-urine-colored hair indulges in a paraphilia like urolagnia, where someone gets excited by the sight, smell or sound of urine. Usually this has something to do with bed-wetting and as we’ve already established that Trump makes some scratch as the Catheter Cowboy spokesperson for lesser-known eastern markets, but it also involves a large degree of Salirophilia. Trump gets off on soiling his former friend and contributor.

While so many people have been levelling lesbian charges at Hilary Clinton, being gay is not a fetish and shouldn’t be relegated to an accusation regardless. But the Democratic frontrunner does seem to really get her rocks off by talking about how much money her campaign has raised. The former first lady’s Superpac is truly impressive, but she goes way beyond gloating when she talks about it. It seems like money gets her positively wet. She has stranger bedfellows on Wall Street than the GOP and she loves to laud it over them. Hillary is a strong woman with a very dominant personality. She’s got a financial domination thing happening. Hilary’s a fin domme. She would never engage in sex with her constituents, but she can remind them what losers they are and how losers like that could never be with such a strong, beautiful woman, so they might as well pay without getting a nut off.

Speaking of not getting a nut off, I’m going to admit to a slight Marco Rubio fetish. It’s not sexual at all and Christ knows I certainly don’t want to see him anywhere near the White House. Every time I hear anyone say the words “Marco Rubio” I automatically repeat it, in a John Byner-cum-George-Carlin impersonation of Ed Sullivan introducing Topo Gigio. I have no proof, but I think Rubio might be a yiffer. I can picture him dressing up in a Topo Gigio costume, as a matter of fact, and endlessly dry-humping Trump’s comb-over.

We all remember Ted Cruz taking on GOP House Speaker John Boehner. He took on the orange-skinned congressman over Obamacare, something Boehner himself agreed should be dissembled. It started a crying jag in the older Republican. Cruz laughed and gloated when Boehner tearfully resigned from Congress. That’s because Cruz is a dacryphiliac, someone who get sexually aroused by crying, which Boehner does at the drop of coffee creamer pack.

Bernie Sanders is kind of sick of fetishes. He believes that greater sexual equality would do away with the need for fetish. Many pundits say Sanders’ 1972 essay Man – And Woman pigeonholed the independent democratic socialist as a Gorean, a subsection of BDSM that comes with a caste system, I think he’s actually got a cuckold fetishist, and not just because it’s considered, by the Daily Beast, as the thinking man’s fetish. Bernie is running a hard race. He’s got no superpac, no millionaire donors, he earns every dollar by personally emailing lefties and asking for three dollars. I know because I get six a day. But Bernie’s not actually running to win. He’s running to get people motivated to go out and vote. Once they’re there Sanders doesn’t seem to care if they vote for him or Hillary. As a matter of fact, he’d probably rather see the former Secretary of State in the job. Bernie wants to court the viewers only to have them cheat on him with the blonde in the pants suit.

Original illustration for Smashpipe Magazine by Craig Johnson II.

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