This article originally appeared in the Jan. 7, 2016, issue of Smashpipe.

By Tony Sokol

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At the end of last year, the YouTube Channel Section 51 uploaded a video that they said showed a UFO entering an inter-dimensional portal near the Large Hadron Collider at CERN, the European Organization for Nuclear Research in Geneva, Switzerland. If the video is a fake, it’s a good one or at least an expensive one.

The cloud vortex was allegedly filmed by two American tourists who were visiting the CERN LHC facility. Section 51 famously specializes in hoax videos. They brought us footage of ancient pyramids in Antarctica, a giant UFO over parliament, proof that the moon is both an artificial intelligence base and that it was created by Stanley Kubrick or something. Press outlets went with the UFO story and ignored the obvious conclusion: our future is being flushed into warp drive.

In the conspiracy novel Angels and Demons, Dan Brown warned the world about the possibility of the end of all life on earth as scientists built a $4 billion underground super-collider, a machine that slams atoms into each other in an attempt to disrupt the laws of quantum physics and possibly create a new big bang.

Most of what I know about physics I learned from the band Hawkwind in their 1977 album Quark, Strangeness and Charm. Atoms are made of neurons, protons and electrons and physicists don’t get laid until they know about Quark, Strangeness and Charm, which are scientific terms and have nothing to do with the dating scene. The researchers want to generate quark-gluon plasma but might create something called Strangelets. Strangelets are a hypothetical form of quark matter that could trigger a chain reaction to convert everything else to strange matter and destroy the planet.

Conspiracy theorists worried that the world was supposed to end on Sept. 10th, 2008 when scientists clicked on the switch to the world’s largest and most powerful particle accelerator. Rival scientists worried that the mad consortium would accidentally create a microscopic black hole would create “strangelets” that would start sucking in surrounding matter until the Earth turned into an inert hyperdense sphere and was consumed. Kind of like that 3D episode on The Simpsons.

Scientists had recently proved the existence of an elusive a key building block of the universe called Higgs boson, but known to archvillains as the God particle that they believe make up the majority of matter in the universe.

A collider is a kind of scientific toy train collision course. It is the basic tool of particle physics. A collider takes a stream of particles and shakes them up until they reach really high kinetic energy level and then aims then at each other. The Large Hadron Collider is an underground hamster bubble track that runs 5 miles across. The Large Hadron Collider is the largest single machine in the world. It was built by the European Organization for Nuclear Research between 1998 and 2008 in collaboration with over 10,000 scientists and engineers from over 100 countries. It lies in a tunnel that is 17 miles wide and 574 feet deep. The Brookhaven National Laboratory’s Realistic Heavy Ion Collider accelerates protons toward each other at 99.999999% the speed of light, which the mad scientists say can recreate conditions similar to the ones that caused the Big Bang.

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According to some, CERN can potentially open a gateway for dark matter and possibly invite beings from alternate dimensions to come out of weird wormholes like the one in the Bermuda Triangle that gobbled up U.S. military torpedo bomber Flight 19 from the Caribbean 30 years ago. There were no reports from the other bomber pilots of any cloud vortex activity at the time. But if you look at the footage, you clearly see the glowing UFO disappear into some kind of suction. It appears that CERN created some kind of interstellar toilet bowl and I can only assume that this is where the mysterious space balls in Vietnam are coming from.

The earth is being flushed into nothingness like some kind of Tidy Bowl commercial and the media is covering it up so the mad scientists can continue to play god. Unless they tell me that this is going to somehow fix the whole carbon emission global warming thing, I don’t understand what the big rush is on this. Why is this so important to these scientists if they aren’t evil supervillains from some alternative comic universe? Half the scientific community says that every time these guys turn on and off the switch to this thing that we’re playing Russian Roulette with the planet and possibly the galaxy and who knows, the universe itself. I don’t have a problem with interdimensional visitors, but the being sucked into the icy vacuum of space doesn’t sound like much fun.

The video might be a hoax, but the supercollider isn’t. After the success of the first one, now China wants to build one and, whatever China gets Australia wants and this is where some potentially horrific consequences lie. As I also learned on the Simpsons, Australia is on the other side of the planet, well, that part I didn’t learn on the Simpsons, but toilets flush backwards down under and if we have a supercolliding EZ Bowl thing happening here and a counter-clockwise liquid drano thing happening there we will corkscrew ourselves into oblivion.

Stop science now, before we learn something.

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