This article originally ran in the Dec. 17, 2015 issue of Smashpipe.
President Barack Obama made a rare public appearance during the Republican debates the other night. The president and his secret service entourage took over a local dive bar in Washington DC to catch the debates with locals. The leader of the free world bought a round as he explained he wanted to catch the debates with his constituents, real people. He also said he wanted the freedom to holler at the screen in a rare moment off the Beltway grid.
Obama gave a presidential pardon to smokers that evening as he relaxed among the regulars and even declared imminent domain on a loosey for himself, according to eye witnesses. The president was so relaxed, he took to the Karaoke stage to give a ribald Republican ribbing to the dulcet tones of Marvin Gaye’s classic “Let’s Get It On” over debate predictions of the talking heads on the bar screen.
An aging barfly asked the president who he was rooting for in the race.
“I was really counting on Elizabeth Warren until the tragedy,” Obama admitted. “Who would have thought two hours in Washington would drive her to a therapist screaming about PTSD. Have you seen her lately? Who’d vote for her now? She looks like a deer perpetually sideswiped by the headlights.”
The crowd went silent as the GOP candidates were introduced, except for the president who anticipated the debaters’ soundbites, often finishing their sentences.
“Derek Laud drunk-texts them to a shared site,” Obama explained. “He gets a Pay-Pal payment every time one of his talking points is used. I could really clean up if I turned it into a drinking game.”
The debate soon turned to gun control in the wake of the recent mass shooting in San Bernadino, Calif.
“They’re all such irresponsible assholes,” Obama muttered. “Why doesn’t the NRA just sponsor a fully armed candidate shootout? That would level the playing field.”
When questions turned to the refugee crisis, candidate Donald Trump scored an early advantage. Obama let out with an appreciative roar of approval.
“He’s such a buffoon. I mean, in person, he’s really a nice guy,” Obama said, according to witnesses. “But I’m telling you right here and now, if this guy makes it the White House next year, I’m moving back to Kenya.”
Back to Kenya, the bartender asked, incredulously awaiting a punchline that didn’t come.
“Wouldn’t that be the best November surprise?” Obama posited. “But it would only help that Canadian Cruz.”
This isn’t the first time the president threw a bone to the conspiracy theorists tired of “Elvis is alive” and “Paul is dead” chestnuts who now believe the American president was born in his father’s home country of Kenya.
“I’m the first Kenyan-American to be president of the United States. That goes without saying,” Obama told a packed gymnasium in Nairobi, a city of 3.7 million, when he visited the country on July 26, 2015. But that’s not what people were actually saying.
From the moment Barack Obama was elected as the first African American president of the United States, he was hit with accusations that his birth certificate was a forgery, not even a good one, with Kenya crossed out and Honolulu, Hawaii, written in in crayon. Others theorized that Obama lost U.S. citizenship when he became a citizen of Indonesia. Still others believed Obama wasn’t even born, but was conjured as some kind of anti-Christ who will lead the world into a thousand years of satanic enslavement.
Hopeless presidential hopeful Donald Trump first floated his support for the theory in March 2011, when he said he was thinking of running for the top office during an interview on Good Morning America. Trump also aired his claims on The View.
On March 30, 2011, CNN Newsroom anchor Suzanne Malveaux said she proved Trump’s statements wrong in a recent documentary but Trump told NBC TV on April 7, 2011 that not even Michael Moore actually watches documentaries.
Obama released his long form birth certificate on April 27, 2011. On October 24, 2012, Trump asked for Obama’s college and passport applications. Obama responded by sending a library card and asking Trump to use it.
Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio still believes the birth certificate was forged.
“I’m going to wait until about February, after the election,” Obama admitted, taking a long appreciative draw from a healthy American Spirit cigarette. “I think I’ll break the news on Trevor Noah. He’s known for years.”